There have been a couple of stories in the news recently about mothers of disabled children getting nasty notes left on their cars after parking in handicapped spots. You can click on these pictures if you want to read the full stories.
As a mother of a physically disabled child, who has sometimes parked in handicapped spaces, my response to this might actually surprise you.
Welcome to the world of parenting children with special needs, complete strangers will judge you when you are out in public.
It's true. It's not pretty, its not fair, it's not nice, and it is not politically correct, but that is just the way it is.
Taking children with obvious (and not so obvious) disabilities outside of the house means that some people will stare at you. Sometimes they will even point and whisper, or give you dirty looks. Occasionally, strangers will even go as far as to make offensive comments or ask unwelcomed questions. There are a lot of different people out there in world who have a wide range of education levels, mannerisms, and belief systems. You are bound to encounter somebody who is going to be rude and ignorant, it is just inevitable.
Like the little old lady who yelled across the parking lot at us "Oh my goodness! Look at that poor child! He has no legs!!" (Thank you very much, ma'am, for pointing that out to us. We didn't notice that our son happen to be missing his lower extremities.)
Or the host walking us to our table through a busy restaurant asking us "Geez, what happened to his legs?" (Well mister, I wish I had some kind of exciting story to tell you that involves alligators or runaway trains or something else super cool like that, but he was just born this way. Wait, why are you walking away looking so bored now? I thought you wanted to sit down and listen to us share our whole life story with you.)
When I am in the middle of Target and my youngest son is kicking the shopping cart with his metal legs, chatting away in that loud unintelligible way that some kids with hearing loss can do, while my oldest son is having a giant Asperger's size meltdown because he accidently spilled his drink, we will get more than our fair share of dirty looks from other people. I can almost hear what they are thinking. 'That mother needs to get her children under control', 'That boy just needs a good spanking', and 'What kind of drugs was she on when she was pregnant with those kids?'. Trust me, it is no fun to wrangle two very active boys with special needs in front of the watchful judging eyes of the public.
But I guess that the cold hard fact of this world is that everybody judges everybody else. People make assumptions about others based on the way they dress, the way they look, the way they talk, their religion, their race, their sexuality, and so on. Anybody who tells you that they "don't judge" is a liar. It's human nature to judge others. That is just how we are wired.
The first newspaper article I mentioned above starts off by saying that the person who wrote that nasty note stole the mother's Christmas. Really? You are going to let some idiot who spells the word "not" as "nut" ruin your whole Christmas? You are going to give any Dick or Jane who can pick up a pen a write a few mean things down on a napkin that much power over your life? The article says that the mother tried to find the person who wrote that note. Why? What is the point of wasting your time hunting down a moron who is obviously missing a few brain cells? Do you think that you are going to somehow bring enlightenment and knowledge to some strange person who is that irrational and rude?
The second newspaper article quotes the mother as saying that her feelings are hurt and she didn't know that other people thought of her that way. I wanted to tell her to grow some thicker skin. Yes, some people are going to think of you that way. Go ahead and let them. Obviously, whoever wrote that note does not know your situation and made some rash snotty assumptions about you. That person has never had to experience the things you have. The author of that note has probably never had to carry, walk, or push their handicapped child across a long, busy, ice-covered parking lot before. But at the same time, that person has probably never experienced the love, joy, and triumph that comes from watching their baby overcome incredibly hard challenges before either.
It is not our job as mothers to change the way people out there may think. It is our job to raise our children in the best way that we can, no matter how others out there might see us. Strangers can stare, point, comment, and whisper all they want, I don't care. They are not in my situation raising my children with the issues that my kids have. They have no idea what it is like to be us, living our lives, dealing with our problems, day in and day out.
I want to spend my time worrying about my children and concentrating on them, not worrying about what other people I don't know think of me. I am going to teach my children to just ignore all of the stares and the comments. Most importantly, though, I want to teach my children to never give an ignorant stranger the power to ruin their day, make them feel bad about themselves, or have any kind of negative effect on their lives at all.
So mothers, here is what I want to say to you: Take that nasty note off of your windshield, laugh to yourself about how stupid some people can be, crumple that note up and throw it away, and go on living your lives and raising your beautiful children with love the way that you always have.
Welcome to the world of parenting children with special needs, complete strangers will judge you when you are out in public.
It's true. It's not pretty, its not fair, it's not nice, and it is not politically correct, but that is just the way it is.
Taking children with obvious (and not so obvious) disabilities outside of the house means that some people will stare at you. Sometimes they will even point and whisper, or give you dirty looks. Occasionally, strangers will even go as far as to make offensive comments or ask unwelcomed questions. There are a lot of different people out there in world who have a wide range of education levels, mannerisms, and belief systems. You are bound to encounter somebody who is going to be rude and ignorant, it is just inevitable.
Like the little old lady who yelled across the parking lot at us "Oh my goodness! Look at that poor child! He has no legs!!" (Thank you very much, ma'am, for pointing that out to us. We didn't notice that our son happen to be missing his lower extremities.)
Or the host walking us to our table through a busy restaurant asking us "Geez, what happened to his legs?" (Well mister, I wish I had some kind of exciting story to tell you that involves alligators or runaway trains or something else super cool like that, but he was just born this way. Wait, why are you walking away looking so bored now? I thought you wanted to sit down and listen to us share our whole life story with you.)
When I am in the middle of Target and my youngest son is kicking the shopping cart with his metal legs, chatting away in that loud unintelligible way that some kids with hearing loss can do, while my oldest son is having a giant Asperger's size meltdown because he accidently spilled his drink, we will get more than our fair share of dirty looks from other people. I can almost hear what they are thinking. 'That mother needs to get her children under control', 'That boy just needs a good spanking', and 'What kind of drugs was she on when she was pregnant with those kids?'. Trust me, it is no fun to wrangle two very active boys with special needs in front of the watchful judging eyes of the public.
But I guess that the cold hard fact of this world is that everybody judges everybody else. People make assumptions about others based on the way they dress, the way they look, the way they talk, their religion, their race, their sexuality, and so on. Anybody who tells you that they "don't judge" is a liar. It's human nature to judge others. That is just how we are wired.
The first newspaper article I mentioned above starts off by saying that the person who wrote that nasty note stole the mother's Christmas. Really? You are going to let some idiot who spells the word "not" as "nut" ruin your whole Christmas? You are going to give any Dick or Jane who can pick up a pen a write a few mean things down on a napkin that much power over your life? The article says that the mother tried to find the person who wrote that note. Why? What is the point of wasting your time hunting down a moron who is obviously missing a few brain cells? Do you think that you are going to somehow bring enlightenment and knowledge to some strange person who is that irrational and rude?
The second newspaper article quotes the mother as saying that her feelings are hurt and she didn't know that other people thought of her that way. I wanted to tell her to grow some thicker skin. Yes, some people are going to think of you that way. Go ahead and let them. Obviously, whoever wrote that note does not know your situation and made some rash snotty assumptions about you. That person has never had to experience the things you have. The author of that note has probably never had to carry, walk, or push their handicapped child across a long, busy, ice-covered parking lot before. But at the same time, that person has probably never experienced the love, joy, and triumph that comes from watching their baby overcome incredibly hard challenges before either.
It is not our job as mothers to change the way people out there may think. It is our job to raise our children in the best way that we can, no matter how others out there might see us. Strangers can stare, point, comment, and whisper all they want, I don't care. They are not in my situation raising my children with the issues that my kids have. They have no idea what it is like to be us, living our lives, dealing with our problems, day in and day out.
I want to spend my time worrying about my children and concentrating on them, not worrying about what other people I don't know think of me. I am going to teach my children to just ignore all of the stares and the comments. Most importantly, though, I want to teach my children to never give an ignorant stranger the power to ruin their day, make them feel bad about themselves, or have any kind of negative effect on their lives at all.
So mothers, here is what I want to say to you: Take that nasty note off of your windshield, laugh to yourself about how stupid some people can be, crumple that note up and throw it away, and go on living your lives and raising your beautiful children with love the way that you always have.